I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Randomize
