There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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