just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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