just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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