Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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