When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Dear god my vagina.
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