he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
