I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
