I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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