I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
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The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
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Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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