i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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