you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
