i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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