i'm signing you up for texting rehab
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
