Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
