i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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