Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
