yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
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