you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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