just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
