i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
