i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
