I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
