I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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