i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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