Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
