So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
