this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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