Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
