at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
