She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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