Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
