The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
