i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Randomize
