Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?