My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
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The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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