GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
