Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
