Sponge bath it is.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
