Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Randomize
