ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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