Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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