I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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