I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
im holly from the hills drunk
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
