ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
