Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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