I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
