i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
