You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
