you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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