dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
