Will you blow on my dice?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
