just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
