I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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