The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
