No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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