It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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