This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
