see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
