he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
